Step 9

Yet again I have neglected you, imaginary ready, but no more.

What has happened since my last quite depressing post? No, depressing is the wrong word I think. more like "Panickey" or "stressed" or "agitated". This is why i love the english language. It has the power to describe the same feeling in twice the amount of ways swedish can.

Back on track here. My last post ended in me being struck by panic over not getting any work done. A fair amount of water has passed under the bridge since that post, and all is better, I promise you. I got some gears going and started getting some work finished. since the start I've learned tons and will learn tons more. My internship got extended and ive grown in my self-esteem a thousandfold. it seems like only yesterday I was scared of leaving my dark thoughts and self-loathing behind me and take my steps towards  employment.

I'm still not done with my work and there's pressure of course but I feel more relaxed and if it gets borked... well I can't really do more than I am able to, right? If I tried my best, no one can take that from me.

For those unaware of how insanely hot it is here in sweden, I can try and paint a picture of it in your head.

It is so hot that...
   ... stepping out of a car with aircondition is like getting assaulted by a tsunami made of heat.
   ... breating is like trying to extract oxygen through syrup.
   ... anything that takes any amount of effort is performed in the same pace of an ice-age... without the cool breeze.
   ... the concept of siesta is second nature, as is sweating tidal waves and taking several showers a day.

That should give you a glimpse of the weather. A part from that all is pretty up and up. I'll givea shout-out to my previous job coach who is going to Arvika festval to check out the most awsome band in history: George Michael and the Go Go's!

*flips script* no wait... scratch that. let's erase that before we print it, and put in In Flames instead.

Ahem... well, no doubt my coach will stand at the stage still impersonating a scheming goblin with ease, enjoying a few cold ones in the nice warm weather. You go, girl!

I've also tried some job coaching of my own. It's not hard to understand what drives a job coach to help people help themselves. It was a very rewarding feeling to help out in such a way. Who knows? If this web buisness doesn't pan out the way I'd like it to, maybe I'll give coaching a try. Maybe even another country?

Time will tell. My travelling plans are now as follows (in no particular set order): Scotland, Italy, Japan and Greece. (list grows longer as time moves on).

Until we meet again, imaginary reader!

Step eight (and then some)

Well, it's definatly time for a couple of lines over here.

What has happened since last time? Alot and nothing at the same time.
Nothing has happened in the form of work. I hit a wall of unproductiveness and apparently felt it was a good wall to lean on for a while. I was frustrated because I couldn't solve all my problems in less than five minutes. Silly as it sounds, but it doesn't make it less true. I was basically waiting for someone else to come and hand me the solutions.

During this time I had regular contact with my boss, and I was trying to be as honest as possible. Of course I edited the truth abit but I stayed on course when I described how far I had gotten at least.

Now, I'm at the  deadline, just a day or two from the limit and I have not met the agreed goals. Several dscussion with a friend of mine in the same buisness didn't really leave me confident in my choise of career either.

You see, Web development is a sort of unstable buisness. Since it's moving so fast, alot of web companies die after about two to five years. programmers and workers in this buisness jump around from companies that has gone bust to companies newly started.

My friend has his own company and if it doesn't get better soon he's seriously considering a career change. For this friend to think of such a thing is unthincable to me. He's really, really good at what he does which makes me think "if he gives up, how can I even think about geting into this buisness?".

On top of this and the deadline, I realise how much I don't know about web development and this is where m world starts to swirl.

I suddenly feel like I'm going to cry from the load and the demands on me to learn everything, to finish the job in less than a day and to prepare everything nice and tight for the boss.

Now, my boss on the other hand is as far from a slave driver as you might think. He constantly praises my diligent work and my thorough investigations into any questions he has. He also tries to make sure that I get my fair share of rest.

All these emotions I feel  is just me letting panic rush over me like a tidal wave I guess. I try and use every trick in the book to get the panic out of my system, including writing here.

I don't know if it helps me in my work but I don't feel as worked up over it anymore. I will try and not lose sleep over this, but I cannot promise anything.

On a side note, the discussions with my boss are going well, especially concerning  future employments. He can't promise me anything of course, but I think we both hope to an equally high level that we can cooperate when fall comes around the corner. I think this very thought is the root to my panic. It is the root to my dreams that I wake up from and I have none to share them with at the moment of need...

...Exept maybe you, Imaginary Reader.

Step seven

Been a while now since I posted. (and a while since I wrote in english it seems). What has happened since last time then?

I've been working with my internship and I feel i've grown as a person and as a worker. I feel I'm contributing and that what I do is important.

It sounds like a disney moment here, but it is true. Every day I encounter problems and instead of running and asking my boss what i should do, I just do it. at the end of the day I just mail him and tell him of the choises I've made, giving him a chance to object or concur. So far he's concuring which in turn assures me of my skills. sweet!

I've also improved my skills at working on my own, which is awsome! Getting a sense of purpose and routines during the day helps you to keep other routines as well. I sleep better, andmy hernia isnt acting up as often as before at all.

I've started to allow myself to dream about having the funds to travel. Both Italy and Scotland are on the list, and there's also some gadget investments that need to be done (new laptop, new mobile phone to combine with my laptop, new guitar).

Yes, the guitar is important. It's one of two things I do when I'm all fried out solving complex problems. i just pick up my guitar and shut of that half of the brain, and start up the other. an hour or two later and I'm all recharged for that extra fortyfive minutes.

It's funny how you get less and less to write about when you have stuf to do. Maybe it is because it's easier to complain about your misery instead of praising your successes. It's very swedish not to complain or praise yourself. That's what makes it hard for anyone to start a company and try and believe in an idea. As soon as you start telling people about it you'll get showered in "you'll never make it" and alot "you're gonna go bankrupt". Behind you they're talking about you as someone who thinks he's better than everyone else who don't have their own company.

Newsflash: No one can ever be better than the other, but we are all unique so we can't be equal either. some lead, others follow (5% lead naturally, another 10% can be taught to lead, 85% are working sheep).

Realising your own position is your first step. Self knowledge leads to a better overview of the steps you need to take to meet the future.

I see myself as part sheep, part "possible to teach to lead". we'll see. Right now it's not important. There's just haul ass, and kick it!

until next time, Mr Imaginary reader.

Sidetrack - Self-esteem

Self-esteem is very interesting. When you lack it, you go around thinking you're worth very little or nothing, which further lowers your self-esteem. I had that for a very long time. I had it for so long I guess I still have a problem putting worth in myself.

But the minute you start getting some self-esteem, it rolls like a snowball. Shortly after you prove to yourself that you can do great stuff and suddenly your self-esteem is up there with the best, elbowing. 

It's not hard to see which situation is the better, but what IS hard is to see how the transition was made. In learning how it changed, you can use that again if need arises.

So back to identifying the catalyst: I was feeling crap, went to Communicare and now I feel great. So what happened att Communicare then? Sure, the people there was a great inspiration and help, but I can't call them every time i have a bad day, now can I?

What happened was that I realised some truths about the world and myself. I realised that no one actually cares about me. I mean this in the "you gotta get your own job, because noone is going to give you anything for free" kind of way. No one will give you anything for free. It sounds negative, but it is positive. Any favour given is expected to be returned. Use it yourself, and it will work in your favour.

This is what "Start saying yes to stuff" means. Start accepting some volunteer work and watch how your efforts get remembered and you start getting emails and phone calls. Give and ye shall recieve.

The next thing that i realised was that if I don't admit my own worth, why should anyone else do it? By this I mean that, if I don't think i can do the job, why should anyone else sacrifice their time on finding out? This is also not soemthing negative its very positive. You won't know what you can do until you try.

Third thing I learned was "accepting failure". Failing is awsome. It teaches you what you can become better at. It shows you exacly what you need to improve where a success doesnt tell you anything except "yupp, you could do that". A success won't help you improve just reassure you of something you already knew.

Fourth thing I discovered was the drive that is inside. It will only show itself if you do something that interests it. Find that drive's excitements! Of course, that's the tricky part. How do you find out what you really want to do? Well, it won't jump at you through the window while you sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourself, that's for sure!

In a different order:

1. Find out what you want to do. Try stuff. Test your abilities. See what you think is fun.

2. Fail! It will teach you more about yourself than a success.

3. Realise your worth. not to the world, not to your employer, not to your friends. to YOU!

4. Learn that nothing is for free. The world is founded on scratching backs. Use it to your advantage!

So, all in all I think finding self-esteem is to learn more about yourself. Take the time to learn how you work, and use that to improve your life even further. We live only once, and there's only two things that are certain: death and taxes.

The rest is up to you.

until next time Mr. Imaginary Reader!

Step six

It ha sbeen a while since I posted and I guess that is a good thing.

There's been alot of focus around my internship and also alot of work for me to focus on as well. Me and my boss (if that's how you call it) have been discussing what kind of project I'm supposed to work on and the magnitude.

I like my boss in the way that we are having open discussions and a good communication. I don't feel afraid to speak my mind about something and we both try and keep it constructive and positive and at the same time on an honest level.

The biggest suprice was how my self-esteem affected my capacity to work. Fingers flying over the keyboard and almost saying "No! not five o' clock already!".

This might all make a person's head grow big and start dreaming of the money I'll make and what do do with my life now that I have money. But not this one. I know fully well that the difference between internship and employment is still quite big in this buisness. It can range from a full employment through being hired from time-to-time based on projects to not being employed at all.

But wether I'm going to be employed or not is not up to me. All I can do is work, so that's what I intend to do. No reason worrying about if I get employed or not, especially since the basis of that descision is my performance during the intership.

In short: I'm not gonna think about stuff i have no control over and just work my ass off and then see who's interested in what I can do.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Sidetrack - Staying on Track

Right now I have a prolbem of mental nature (right now alot of friends would laugh at that remark, and I of course agree).

I woke up this morning and I was in a crappy mood. It started yesterday and i think it has to do with the internship. I feel this enormous pressure to succeed. The last time I had an internship relating to my education i sort of borked it. I didn't realise my limitations and didn't complete the project. I think I am angry at myself for thinking the same old thoughts again.

"You won't make it. It's very probable that you will fail, and then you're back to square one. He'll realise you don't know jack shit. And jack left town just now".

"He'll send you a project specification and to complete it you'll have to skipp weekends and evening just to make it through. is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Stressed out due to deadlines you can't make and hve to compensate by removing your own free time?".

All these thoughts are old to me. I've heard them before and the voice is all too familiar. It's like my Subconscious thrives on thinking bad of me. It's like I've been telling myself that I lack any worth and now that's the only way I know how to handle any obstacle I come across.

I know this, and yet I keep falling back into old tracks. I keep trying to tell myself it's just a matter of perspective, that i just need to put my mind to that I can do this.

Not knowing the extent of the project doesn't help either. I hope i'll get the specifications soon.

I don't know how to handle this yet. I had a good flow from the seminar that i tried to ride as good as possible. It was awsome a couple of weeks but i knew it'd go down sooner or later. Now i gotta figure out what everyone else probably knows: how to get back on the horse.

Today is a bummer. I got to find some energy to make something or else another day goes to waste.

Writing this might help getting some perspective but i don't know if i'll find a solution from it. Maybe i was hoping for too much.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step five

It has begun!

Last friday we signed the papers for my internship. It's going to be a two-month internship where I will be working on one project in a bit more long-term focus and some lesser ones in parallell. I'll be continuing this blog through the internship, of course.

Friday was also the day for the big event "The Big Lift" which is Communicare celebrating the success with their project to convince future young contractors to take their first steps and actually succeeding. Around this time I'm also made aware that my seminar blog is a bit more popular than I first imagined. I don't really know what to make of it. Of course I'm happy that my writing has an audience. But I've yet to discover how it affects me as a person. For now I'm glad and i'll coninue writing and see if we get any more reactions.

Another interesting event during friday was the live show! Dead by April showed up and threw a free consert. I had never heard them before and I was pleasantly suprised by their performance. Tho, I think they need to grow a bit more as artists. I'll explain.

Dead by April, a good pop-metal band (at the base a bit similar to Linkin Park but way better. Better riffs, more metal and with a dual singer setup they can do nice fades on stage *thumbs up*) is going to play for the Karlstad audience.

The problem is that the audience is a bunch of youngsters that only listen to the awful sleazy pop artists we get fed through our radio. its about love, and "oooh, I'm eighteen, and losing my first crush is the worst thing that can happen in life. I better commit suicide because it's the only way to get some attention!"

Granted that's basically what Dead by April's lyrics are about as well. maybe not the suicide part but definitely the "I'm eighteen and every problem I have is more important than the world". Dead by April can compensate with some cool riffs and a heavy good sound. I also really liked their drummer.

So, what happens when a band like DBA meets the spoiled "Brat-wannabe" Karlstad youth audience? well few of them actually stood by the fence and the band got more and more pissed as the consert went on. they started taunting the audience with remarks like "We're going to play a song from our lastest single but I guess you haven't heard that one either, right?".

Sure, the audience wasn't responsive, but I think the band has gotten a bit spoiled after their last big hits and was expecting Karlstad to be an audience that would be easy to please. Sorry DBA, but you got to tough it up and give it an extra go. Above all even if the audience doesn't appreciate you, dont' stoop to their level. When they played tho I think that they are a great live band. Their live performance says more about their good sides than their album.

I also know that the information about their free consert didn't hit all the right networks. Had the town's local Metalclub gotten the info in time, it might've been a full house. Then again, Metalclub books their own gigs and they know that the stage in the big hall is crap. That's why we have the rockbar. Sound carries better in there.

In short I suggest people to go and see Dead by April. They're pop, with some sleazy lyrics, but their metal sound and groove compensates all of that and more. Their dual singer setup works very well, but they definitely need to grow a bit more as a band to not get as Emo as their lyrics as soon as they hit a tough crowd now and then.

Will I by their album? No. but Spotify is free so I guess they'll recieve something for it.

Intership starts next week so this week will just be a big preparation for it. Two months of internship. I already feel a heavy preassure of success. I feel like I really need to make this a good one. I've managed to push away some of the negative thoughts, but not all. Hopefully I can calm myself down enough to not skip sleep and not skip weekends just to finish this project. But I'm definitely not promising anything.

It's time to get some work done. Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.