Step seven

Been a while now since I posted. (and a while since I wrote in english it seems). What has happened since last time then?

I've been working with my internship and I feel i've grown as a person and as a worker. I feel I'm contributing and that what I do is important.

It sounds like a disney moment here, but it is true. Every day I encounter problems and instead of running and asking my boss what i should do, I just do it. at the end of the day I just mail him and tell him of the choises I've made, giving him a chance to object or concur. So far he's concuring which in turn assures me of my skills. sweet!

I've also improved my skills at working on my own, which is awsome! Getting a sense of purpose and routines during the day helps you to keep other routines as well. I sleep better, andmy hernia isnt acting up as often as before at all.

I've started to allow myself to dream about having the funds to travel. Both Italy and Scotland are on the list, and there's also some gadget investments that need to be done (new laptop, new mobile phone to combine with my laptop, new guitar).

Yes, the guitar is important. It's one of two things I do when I'm all fried out solving complex problems. i just pick up my guitar and shut of that half of the brain, and start up the other. an hour or two later and I'm all recharged for that extra fortyfive minutes.

It's funny how you get less and less to write about when you have stuf to do. Maybe it is because it's easier to complain about your misery instead of praising your successes. It's very swedish not to complain or praise yourself. That's what makes it hard for anyone to start a company and try and believe in an idea. As soon as you start telling people about it you'll get showered in "you'll never make it" and alot "you're gonna go bankrupt". Behind you they're talking about you as someone who thinks he's better than everyone else who don't have their own company.

Newsflash: No one can ever be better than the other, but we are all unique so we can't be equal either. some lead, others follow (5% lead naturally, another 10% can be taught to lead, 85% are working sheep).

Realising your own position is your first step. Self knowledge leads to a better overview of the steps you need to take to meet the future.

I see myself as part sheep, part "possible to teach to lead". we'll see. Right now it's not important. There's just haul ass, and kick it!

until next time, Mr Imaginary reader.

Sidetrack - Self-esteem

Self-esteem is very interesting. When you lack it, you go around thinking you're worth very little or nothing, which further lowers your self-esteem. I had that for a very long time. I had it for so long I guess I still have a problem putting worth in myself.

But the minute you start getting some self-esteem, it rolls like a snowball. Shortly after you prove to yourself that you can do great stuff and suddenly your self-esteem is up there with the best, elbowing. 

It's not hard to see which situation is the better, but what IS hard is to see how the transition was made. In learning how it changed, you can use that again if need arises.

So back to identifying the catalyst: I was feeling crap, went to Communicare and now I feel great. So what happened att Communicare then? Sure, the people there was a great inspiration and help, but I can't call them every time i have a bad day, now can I?

What happened was that I realised some truths about the world and myself. I realised that no one actually cares about me. I mean this in the "you gotta get your own job, because noone is going to give you anything for free" kind of way. No one will give you anything for free. It sounds negative, but it is positive. Any favour given is expected to be returned. Use it yourself, and it will work in your favour.

This is what "Start saying yes to stuff" means. Start accepting some volunteer work and watch how your efforts get remembered and you start getting emails and phone calls. Give and ye shall recieve.

The next thing that i realised was that if I don't admit my own worth, why should anyone else do it? By this I mean that, if I don't think i can do the job, why should anyone else sacrifice their time on finding out? This is also not soemthing negative its very positive. You won't know what you can do until you try.

Third thing I learned was "accepting failure". Failing is awsome. It teaches you what you can become better at. It shows you exacly what you need to improve where a success doesnt tell you anything except "yupp, you could do that". A success won't help you improve just reassure you of something you already knew.

Fourth thing I discovered was the drive that is inside. It will only show itself if you do something that interests it. Find that drive's excitements! Of course, that's the tricky part. How do you find out what you really want to do? Well, it won't jump at you through the window while you sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourself, that's for sure!

In a different order:

1. Find out what you want to do. Try stuff. Test your abilities. See what you think is fun.

2. Fail! It will teach you more about yourself than a success.

3. Realise your worth. not to the world, not to your employer, not to your friends. to YOU!

4. Learn that nothing is for free. The world is founded on scratching backs. Use it to your advantage!

So, all in all I think finding self-esteem is to learn more about yourself. Take the time to learn how you work, and use that to improve your life even further. We live only once, and there's only two things that are certain: death and taxes.

The rest is up to you.

until next time Mr. Imaginary Reader!

Step six

It ha sbeen a while since I posted and I guess that is a good thing.

There's been alot of focus around my internship and also alot of work for me to focus on as well. Me and my boss (if that's how you call it) have been discussing what kind of project I'm supposed to work on and the magnitude.

I like my boss in the way that we are having open discussions and a good communication. I don't feel afraid to speak my mind about something and we both try and keep it constructive and positive and at the same time on an honest level.

The biggest suprice was how my self-esteem affected my capacity to work. Fingers flying over the keyboard and almost saying "No! not five o' clock already!".

This might all make a person's head grow big and start dreaming of the money I'll make and what do do with my life now that I have money. But not this one. I know fully well that the difference between internship and employment is still quite big in this buisness. It can range from a full employment through being hired from time-to-time based on projects to not being employed at all.

But wether I'm going to be employed or not is not up to me. All I can do is work, so that's what I intend to do. No reason worrying about if I get employed or not, especially since the basis of that descision is my performance during the intership.

In short: I'm not gonna think about stuff i have no control over and just work my ass off and then see who's interested in what I can do.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Sidetrack - Staying on Track

Right now I have a prolbem of mental nature (right now alot of friends would laugh at that remark, and I of course agree).

I woke up this morning and I was in a crappy mood. It started yesterday and i think it has to do with the internship. I feel this enormous pressure to succeed. The last time I had an internship relating to my education i sort of borked it. I didn't realise my limitations and didn't complete the project. I think I am angry at myself for thinking the same old thoughts again.

"You won't make it. It's very probable that you will fail, and then you're back to square one. He'll realise you don't know jack shit. And jack left town just now".

"He'll send you a project specification and to complete it you'll have to skipp weekends and evening just to make it through. is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Stressed out due to deadlines you can't make and hve to compensate by removing your own free time?".

All these thoughts are old to me. I've heard them before and the voice is all too familiar. It's like my Subconscious thrives on thinking bad of me. It's like I've been telling myself that I lack any worth and now that's the only way I know how to handle any obstacle I come across.

I know this, and yet I keep falling back into old tracks. I keep trying to tell myself it's just a matter of perspective, that i just need to put my mind to that I can do this.

Not knowing the extent of the project doesn't help either. I hope i'll get the specifications soon.

I don't know how to handle this yet. I had a good flow from the seminar that i tried to ride as good as possible. It was awsome a couple of weeks but i knew it'd go down sooner or later. Now i gotta figure out what everyone else probably knows: how to get back on the horse.

Today is a bummer. I got to find some energy to make something or else another day goes to waste.

Writing this might help getting some perspective but i don't know if i'll find a solution from it. Maybe i was hoping for too much.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step five

It has begun!

Last friday we signed the papers for my internship. It's going to be a two-month internship where I will be working on one project in a bit more long-term focus and some lesser ones in parallell. I'll be continuing this blog through the internship, of course.

Friday was also the day for the big event "The Big Lift" which is Communicare celebrating the success with their project to convince future young contractors to take their first steps and actually succeeding. Around this time I'm also made aware that my seminar blog is a bit more popular than I first imagined. I don't really know what to make of it. Of course I'm happy that my writing has an audience. But I've yet to discover how it affects me as a person. For now I'm glad and i'll coninue writing and see if we get any more reactions.

Another interesting event during friday was the live show! Dead by April showed up and threw a free consert. I had never heard them before and I was pleasantly suprised by their performance. Tho, I think they need to grow a bit more as artists. I'll explain.

Dead by April, a good pop-metal band (at the base a bit similar to Linkin Park but way better. Better riffs, more metal and with a dual singer setup they can do nice fades on stage *thumbs up*) is going to play for the Karlstad audience.

The problem is that the audience is a bunch of youngsters that only listen to the awful sleazy pop artists we get fed through our radio. its about love, and "oooh, I'm eighteen, and losing my first crush is the worst thing that can happen in life. I better commit suicide because it's the only way to get some attention!"

Granted that's basically what Dead by April's lyrics are about as well. maybe not the suicide part but definitely the "I'm eighteen and every problem I have is more important than the world". Dead by April can compensate with some cool riffs and a heavy good sound. I also really liked their drummer.

So, what happens when a band like DBA meets the spoiled "Brat-wannabe" Karlstad youth audience? well few of them actually stood by the fence and the band got more and more pissed as the consert went on. they started taunting the audience with remarks like "We're going to play a song from our lastest single but I guess you haven't heard that one either, right?".

Sure, the audience wasn't responsive, but I think the band has gotten a bit spoiled after their last big hits and was expecting Karlstad to be an audience that would be easy to please. Sorry DBA, but you got to tough it up and give it an extra go. Above all even if the audience doesn't appreciate you, dont' stoop to their level. When they played tho I think that they are a great live band. Their live performance says more about their good sides than their album.

I also know that the information about their free consert didn't hit all the right networks. Had the town's local Metalclub gotten the info in time, it might've been a full house. Then again, Metalclub books their own gigs and they know that the stage in the big hall is crap. That's why we have the rockbar. Sound carries better in there.

In short I suggest people to go and see Dead by April. They're pop, with some sleazy lyrics, but their metal sound and groove compensates all of that and more. Their dual singer setup works very well, but they definitely need to grow a bit more as a band to not get as Emo as their lyrics as soon as they hit a tough crowd now and then.

Will I by their album? No. but Spotify is free so I guess they'll recieve something for it.

Intership starts next week so this week will just be a big preparation for it. Two months of internship. I already feel a heavy preassure of success. I feel like I really need to make this a good one. I've managed to push away some of the negative thoughts, but not all. Hopefully I can calm myself down enough to not skip sleep and not skip weekends just to finish this project. But I'm definitely not promising anything.

It's time to get some work done. Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step Four

Alright!

Tuesday (that's yesterday btw) I was at a job interview. Well, not exacly a job interview more like a meeting where we just see what we have and what our goals are like and just generally get a feel for the other's personality.

It felt good, and I think we came to an agreement that we both feel happy with. For starters I'm going to get a month's internship where i will be given a specification for a little project. at the end of this month we'll see if i meet the expectations, and if so, we'll further discuss some kind of employment.

I'm really trying not to float away on clouds of "I got a jo-ob! I got a jo-ob! I got a jo-ob!". Sure, I AM happy that i'm finally getting a break, but I've been looking for work for a bit more than two years. I'm used to getting a "Sorry, we aren't hiring any more at the moment" or "We are looking for personell with a bit more experience in our field of work". So I dare not dream of "Sure! The job's yours!", not even a little bit 'cause I feel I'd just get disappointed and depressed about it.

I know I should feel proud of my acomplishments and feel good about myself, but I don't. I do however feel focused. Focused on the job at hand and know what kind of hurdle I need to get over and probably for the first time, comfortable about myself in this position. I really feel like I can tackle this project and that I got every tool necessary to complete it.

I think the reason why I don't feel proud about myself just yet is for the same reason I won't let myself celebrate this possible victory-to-be. I really don't wanna go around being happy, just to get the carpet pulled out from under me. I want to secure this opporunity, THEN I can finally relax a bit and make myself realised what I've just done.

Until then, Mr. Imaginary Reader, I'm gonna work my ass off to see this thing done. THEN I can be proud.

Sidetrack - Why?

As promised: A post about why.

Why. A word commonly followed by a questionmark and it can be used virtually anytime. More often than not it has a negative value. "I'm going to ask that store if I can work there", "Why? You don't have any experiance with that cind of work".

A less common but alot more positive version is the "Why not?". To me, this version is far more interesting and opens alot more doors to new ideas and views. It was introduced to be by a scottish lecturer in computer science. "Why ask 'why' when you can ask 'why not'?". Mostly followed by a body language only Montgomery Burns from Simpsons would use and an evil grin to top it off.

So, why am I writing this blog? What purpose does it hold? How can this blog help me or others?

The blog is designed with focus on what happens while i try and get employed. Psychology refers to this as CBT. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. In short: By collecting my thoughts and actions during a time period, I have the ability to be more objective when it comes to hard decisions and identifying how I tick. This blog helps me to fokus on the parts I need to focus on. It helps me identify what's keeping me from evolving and moving forward and most important of all: It helps me see what i really want to do with my life.

Some of my friends would ask me at this point "But all the time you put into writing this stupid blog could be put into working on getting employed". Sure i can agree with that. But at the same time i also know that people are unique both in personalities but also in how we tick. One person might not be able to work independantly but is a monster of a work horse when he's given orders. Another person might work better at nights and can't handle regular work hours.

I myself can't focus on one thing for sixteen hours straight. I need to cool down parts of my brain by activating others. Writing emotions, analysing thoughts and reviewing what i have done, helps me identify what was good and then i can try and repeat that. I can also identify stuff that went bad and can try and avoid it or confront it if it needs to be handled.

If this blog helps others, thats fine. But it's really not in my plans for it do do so. I've sent the link here to people that have asked me to keep them updated. Of course I won't stop mailing them. The blog will again help me to remember what really has happened me.

But the blog serves yet another purpose. It helps me evolve my english skills. I know, several of you already think they are good, but I know I can get way better at grammar. I also work on my writing skills. Getting practice writing in a captivating way is a good thing for when i decide to start writing something more serious.

I still don't know why I wrote this piece. It doesn't really matter, because it's a blog. Blogs only contain  opinions and all opinions are subjective, ie what I think, not what everyone else should think. 

It was fun tho, and whisky is definatly my beverage of choise for bloging. Tonight's ramblings were brought to you by the Yamazaki Destillery.

Is this blog useful? I ask "Is any blog useful?". In the same way people ask "Why?" I will ask in return "Why not?".

Until we meet again, Mr. Imaginary Reader. Thy Face is Oblivion and thy voice is Silence.