Step seven

Been a while now since I posted. (and a while since I wrote in english it seems). What has happened since last time then?

I've been working with my internship and I feel i've grown as a person and as a worker. I feel I'm contributing and that what I do is important.

It sounds like a disney moment here, but it is true. Every day I encounter problems and instead of running and asking my boss what i should do, I just do it. at the end of the day I just mail him and tell him of the choises I've made, giving him a chance to object or concur. So far he's concuring which in turn assures me of my skills. sweet!

I've also improved my skills at working on my own, which is awsome! Getting a sense of purpose and routines during the day helps you to keep other routines as well. I sleep better, andmy hernia isnt acting up as often as before at all.

I've started to allow myself to dream about having the funds to travel. Both Italy and Scotland are on the list, and there's also some gadget investments that need to be done (new laptop, new mobile phone to combine with my laptop, new guitar).

Yes, the guitar is important. It's one of two things I do when I'm all fried out solving complex problems. i just pick up my guitar and shut of that half of the brain, and start up the other. an hour or two later and I'm all recharged for that extra fortyfive minutes.

It's funny how you get less and less to write about when you have stuf to do. Maybe it is because it's easier to complain about your misery instead of praising your successes. It's very swedish not to complain or praise yourself. That's what makes it hard for anyone to start a company and try and believe in an idea. As soon as you start telling people about it you'll get showered in "you'll never make it" and alot "you're gonna go bankrupt". Behind you they're talking about you as someone who thinks he's better than everyone else who don't have their own company.

Newsflash: No one can ever be better than the other, but we are all unique so we can't be equal either. some lead, others follow (5% lead naturally, another 10% can be taught to lead, 85% are working sheep).

Realising your own position is your first step. Self knowledge leads to a better overview of the steps you need to take to meet the future.

I see myself as part sheep, part "possible to teach to lead". we'll see. Right now it's not important. There's just haul ass, and kick it!

until next time, Mr Imaginary reader.

Sidetrack - Self-esteem

Self-esteem is very interesting. When you lack it, you go around thinking you're worth very little or nothing, which further lowers your self-esteem. I had that for a very long time. I had it for so long I guess I still have a problem putting worth in myself.

But the minute you start getting some self-esteem, it rolls like a snowball. Shortly after you prove to yourself that you can do great stuff and suddenly your self-esteem is up there with the best, elbowing. 

It's not hard to see which situation is the better, but what IS hard is to see how the transition was made. In learning how it changed, you can use that again if need arises.

So back to identifying the catalyst: I was feeling crap, went to Communicare and now I feel great. So what happened att Communicare then? Sure, the people there was a great inspiration and help, but I can't call them every time i have a bad day, now can I?

What happened was that I realised some truths about the world and myself. I realised that no one actually cares about me. I mean this in the "you gotta get your own job, because noone is going to give you anything for free" kind of way. No one will give you anything for free. It sounds negative, but it is positive. Any favour given is expected to be returned. Use it yourself, and it will work in your favour.

This is what "Start saying yes to stuff" means. Start accepting some volunteer work and watch how your efforts get remembered and you start getting emails and phone calls. Give and ye shall recieve.

The next thing that i realised was that if I don't admit my own worth, why should anyone else do it? By this I mean that, if I don't think i can do the job, why should anyone else sacrifice their time on finding out? This is also not soemthing negative its very positive. You won't know what you can do until you try.

Third thing I learned was "accepting failure". Failing is awsome. It teaches you what you can become better at. It shows you exacly what you need to improve where a success doesnt tell you anything except "yupp, you could do that". A success won't help you improve just reassure you of something you already knew.

Fourth thing I discovered was the drive that is inside. It will only show itself if you do something that interests it. Find that drive's excitements! Of course, that's the tricky part. How do you find out what you really want to do? Well, it won't jump at you through the window while you sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourself, that's for sure!

In a different order:

1. Find out what you want to do. Try stuff. Test your abilities. See what you think is fun.

2. Fail! It will teach you more about yourself than a success.

3. Realise your worth. not to the world, not to your employer, not to your friends. to YOU!

4. Learn that nothing is for free. The world is founded on scratching backs. Use it to your advantage!

So, all in all I think finding self-esteem is to learn more about yourself. Take the time to learn how you work, and use that to improve your life even further. We live only once, and there's only two things that are certain: death and taxes.

The rest is up to you.

until next time Mr. Imaginary Reader!

Step six

It ha sbeen a while since I posted and I guess that is a good thing.

There's been alot of focus around my internship and also alot of work for me to focus on as well. Me and my boss (if that's how you call it) have been discussing what kind of project I'm supposed to work on and the magnitude.

I like my boss in the way that we are having open discussions and a good communication. I don't feel afraid to speak my mind about something and we both try and keep it constructive and positive and at the same time on an honest level.

The biggest suprice was how my self-esteem affected my capacity to work. Fingers flying over the keyboard and almost saying "No! not five o' clock already!".

This might all make a person's head grow big and start dreaming of the money I'll make and what do do with my life now that I have money. But not this one. I know fully well that the difference between internship and employment is still quite big in this buisness. It can range from a full employment through being hired from time-to-time based on projects to not being employed at all.

But wether I'm going to be employed or not is not up to me. All I can do is work, so that's what I intend to do. No reason worrying about if I get employed or not, especially since the basis of that descision is my performance during the intership.

In short: I'm not gonna think about stuff i have no control over and just work my ass off and then see who's interested in what I can do.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.