Sidetrack - Staying on Track

Right now I have a prolbem of mental nature (right now alot of friends would laugh at that remark, and I of course agree).

I woke up this morning and I was in a crappy mood. It started yesterday and i think it has to do with the internship. I feel this enormous pressure to succeed. The last time I had an internship relating to my education i sort of borked it. I didn't realise my limitations and didn't complete the project. I think I am angry at myself for thinking the same old thoughts again.

"You won't make it. It's very probable that you will fail, and then you're back to square one. He'll realise you don't know jack shit. And jack left town just now".

"He'll send you a project specification and to complete it you'll have to skipp weekends and evening just to make it through. is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Stressed out due to deadlines you can't make and hve to compensate by removing your own free time?".

All these thoughts are old to me. I've heard them before and the voice is all too familiar. It's like my Subconscious thrives on thinking bad of me. It's like I've been telling myself that I lack any worth and now that's the only way I know how to handle any obstacle I come across.

I know this, and yet I keep falling back into old tracks. I keep trying to tell myself it's just a matter of perspective, that i just need to put my mind to that I can do this.

Not knowing the extent of the project doesn't help either. I hope i'll get the specifications soon.

I don't know how to handle this yet. I had a good flow from the seminar that i tried to ride as good as possible. It was awsome a couple of weeks but i knew it'd go down sooner or later. Now i gotta figure out what everyone else probably knows: how to get back on the horse.

Today is a bummer. I got to find some energy to make something or else another day goes to waste.

Writing this might help getting some perspective but i don't know if i'll find a solution from it. Maybe i was hoping for too much.

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step five

It has begun!

Last friday we signed the papers for my internship. It's going to be a two-month internship where I will be working on one project in a bit more long-term focus and some lesser ones in parallell. I'll be continuing this blog through the internship, of course.

Friday was also the day for the big event "The Big Lift" which is Communicare celebrating the success with their project to convince future young contractors to take their first steps and actually succeeding. Around this time I'm also made aware that my seminar blog is a bit more popular than I first imagined. I don't really know what to make of it. Of course I'm happy that my writing has an audience. But I've yet to discover how it affects me as a person. For now I'm glad and i'll coninue writing and see if we get any more reactions.

Another interesting event during friday was the live show! Dead by April showed up and threw a free consert. I had never heard them before and I was pleasantly suprised by their performance. Tho, I think they need to grow a bit more as artists. I'll explain.

Dead by April, a good pop-metal band (at the base a bit similar to Linkin Park but way better. Better riffs, more metal and with a dual singer setup they can do nice fades on stage *thumbs up*) is going to play for the Karlstad audience.

The problem is that the audience is a bunch of youngsters that only listen to the awful sleazy pop artists we get fed through our radio. its about love, and "oooh, I'm eighteen, and losing my first crush is the worst thing that can happen in life. I better commit suicide because it's the only way to get some attention!"

Granted that's basically what Dead by April's lyrics are about as well. maybe not the suicide part but definitely the "I'm eighteen and every problem I have is more important than the world". Dead by April can compensate with some cool riffs and a heavy good sound. I also really liked their drummer.

So, what happens when a band like DBA meets the spoiled "Brat-wannabe" Karlstad youth audience? well few of them actually stood by the fence and the band got more and more pissed as the consert went on. they started taunting the audience with remarks like "We're going to play a song from our lastest single but I guess you haven't heard that one either, right?".

Sure, the audience wasn't responsive, but I think the band has gotten a bit spoiled after their last big hits and was expecting Karlstad to be an audience that would be easy to please. Sorry DBA, but you got to tough it up and give it an extra go. Above all even if the audience doesn't appreciate you, dont' stoop to their level. When they played tho I think that they are a great live band. Their live performance says more about their good sides than their album.

I also know that the information about their free consert didn't hit all the right networks. Had the town's local Metalclub gotten the info in time, it might've been a full house. Then again, Metalclub books their own gigs and they know that the stage in the big hall is crap. That's why we have the rockbar. Sound carries better in there.

In short I suggest people to go and see Dead by April. They're pop, with some sleazy lyrics, but their metal sound and groove compensates all of that and more. Their dual singer setup works very well, but they definitely need to grow a bit more as a band to not get as Emo as their lyrics as soon as they hit a tough crowd now and then.

Will I by their album? No. but Spotify is free so I guess they'll recieve something for it.

Intership starts next week so this week will just be a big preparation for it. Two months of internship. I already feel a heavy preassure of success. I feel like I really need to make this a good one. I've managed to push away some of the negative thoughts, but not all. Hopefully I can calm myself down enough to not skip sleep and not skip weekends just to finish this project. But I'm definitely not promising anything.

It's time to get some work done. Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step Four

Alright!

Tuesday (that's yesterday btw) I was at a job interview. Well, not exacly a job interview more like a meeting where we just see what we have and what our goals are like and just generally get a feel for the other's personality.

It felt good, and I think we came to an agreement that we both feel happy with. For starters I'm going to get a month's internship where i will be given a specification for a little project. at the end of this month we'll see if i meet the expectations, and if so, we'll further discuss some kind of employment.

I'm really trying not to float away on clouds of "I got a jo-ob! I got a jo-ob! I got a jo-ob!". Sure, I AM happy that i'm finally getting a break, but I've been looking for work for a bit more than two years. I'm used to getting a "Sorry, we aren't hiring any more at the moment" or "We are looking for personell with a bit more experience in our field of work". So I dare not dream of "Sure! The job's yours!", not even a little bit 'cause I feel I'd just get disappointed and depressed about it.

I know I should feel proud of my acomplishments and feel good about myself, but I don't. I do however feel focused. Focused on the job at hand and know what kind of hurdle I need to get over and probably for the first time, comfortable about myself in this position. I really feel like I can tackle this project and that I got every tool necessary to complete it.

I think the reason why I don't feel proud about myself just yet is for the same reason I won't let myself celebrate this possible victory-to-be. I really don't wanna go around being happy, just to get the carpet pulled out from under me. I want to secure this opporunity, THEN I can finally relax a bit and make myself realised what I've just done.

Until then, Mr. Imaginary Reader, I'm gonna work my ass off to see this thing done. THEN I can be proud.

Sidetrack - Why?

As promised: A post about why.

Why. A word commonly followed by a questionmark and it can be used virtually anytime. More often than not it has a negative value. "I'm going to ask that store if I can work there", "Why? You don't have any experiance with that cind of work".

A less common but alot more positive version is the "Why not?". To me, this version is far more interesting and opens alot more doors to new ideas and views. It was introduced to be by a scottish lecturer in computer science. "Why ask 'why' when you can ask 'why not'?". Mostly followed by a body language only Montgomery Burns from Simpsons would use and an evil grin to top it off.

So, why am I writing this blog? What purpose does it hold? How can this blog help me or others?

The blog is designed with focus on what happens while i try and get employed. Psychology refers to this as CBT. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. In short: By collecting my thoughts and actions during a time period, I have the ability to be more objective when it comes to hard decisions and identifying how I tick. This blog helps me to fokus on the parts I need to focus on. It helps me identify what's keeping me from evolving and moving forward and most important of all: It helps me see what i really want to do with my life.

Some of my friends would ask me at this point "But all the time you put into writing this stupid blog could be put into working on getting employed". Sure i can agree with that. But at the same time i also know that people are unique both in personalities but also in how we tick. One person might not be able to work independantly but is a monster of a work horse when he's given orders. Another person might work better at nights and can't handle regular work hours.

I myself can't focus on one thing for sixteen hours straight. I need to cool down parts of my brain by activating others. Writing emotions, analysing thoughts and reviewing what i have done, helps me identify what was good and then i can try and repeat that. I can also identify stuff that went bad and can try and avoid it or confront it if it needs to be handled.

If this blog helps others, thats fine. But it's really not in my plans for it do do so. I've sent the link here to people that have asked me to keep them updated. Of course I won't stop mailing them. The blog will again help me to remember what really has happened me.

But the blog serves yet another purpose. It helps me evolve my english skills. I know, several of you already think they are good, but I know I can get way better at grammar. I also work on my writing skills. Getting practice writing in a captivating way is a good thing for when i decide to start writing something more serious.

I still don't know why I wrote this piece. It doesn't really matter, because it's a blog. Blogs only contain  opinions and all opinions are subjective, ie what I think, not what everyone else should think. 

It was fun tho, and whisky is definatly my beverage of choise for bloging. Tonight's ramblings were brought to you by the Yamazaki Destillery.

Is this blog useful? I ask "Is any blog useful?". In the same way people ask "Why?" I will ask in return "Why not?".

Until we meet again, Mr. Imaginary Reader. Thy Face is Oblivion and thy voice is Silence.

Step Three

It's been a while now.

Lot of things have happened and I'll try not to forget anything. First off, i did get a reply from the local newspaper about requirments and merits working as a journalist or a chronicler. Journalist basically required that i had gone through the two year program here in Karlstad. Chronicler didnt really require the same education but still required good writing skills but above all a nack for writing about interresting stuff. I'm very grateful for getting the answer since it wasn't something expected.

Thursday came the Hotspot day. It's a day where companies all over come to Karlstad university to present themselves to students and visitors. Student and visitors also get a chance at presenting themselves to companies, creating opportunities and broaden their networks. We also had some speakers giving motivational speeches.

What i did was that i realised i dindt lack motivation at all, so when everyone else went to se Paulo Roberto talk about having a fighting spirit and using that as a contractor, I was talking to the companies all by myself! Well, at least there weren't alot of visitors around so I had no problem getting a chance to talk to whom ever i liked.

No less than ten different companies asked for my CV, essay or other details, so I consider that a success. Not all of them where super-interesting but I followed the motto of Klas "Have a day where you aren't allowed to turn down offers or say 'no' to anything". 

Friday came along and I had a day full of "I gotta get this CV done so i can send it to all of the prospects!". Instead of completing that task, however, i got another contact that connected me to a guy that runs his own buisness doing web development. Through that one, I actually managed to land a job interview! tuesday at 10 am im gonna go have a chat with this fellow.

Although he works with a sub-par framework, it doesn't seem like he's interested in my lack of knowledge in that system, but rather interested in the programming languages I did know.

This has further motivated me to learn more about some frameworks with PHP as the main language. CodeIgniter seems like a fast framework that has some really good ideas. already done some tinkering with it and done some of the tutorials, Among other things, making a blog in under twenty minutes. if i had done that with regular scratch-built PHP I'd still be scratching my head!

Oh right, all things comes in a bunch, like a bottle of ketchup. My Job coach came through once again and spoke to one of her contacts, who knew someone in Edinbourgh who were working with web development. I'm getting swarmed here!

I am very grateful for all the opportunities, and i know fully well that everything might turn to dust before i know it. But a "no" never kills, just makes us stronger, right? With an increase in opportunities i also get an increase in chances of landing a job or an internship.

In the best of worlds as in if I get to tailor my future, I get hired at a website company in Scotland. I get to start fresh in my life, I get a chance at focusing on my work and I get to see one of the countries I really want to visit. My work would be a melting pot of opportunities to use all of my skills for web programming. One day i have a customer that wants a community site with a blog engine incorporated with each user account, and the next one I'm building a tailor-made webshop with awsome animated grafics. I might even get to use my 3D modeling skills and/or Photoshop skills.

If that would happen, i'd be a very happy man indeed. I'd definitely increase my wardrobe with a kilt, try to grow a solid beard and do extensive quality testing on the local whisky destileries.

Now i just need to make all of this happen!

Until next time, Mr. Imaginary Reader.

Step two

Time for an update.

Today i chose to do some investigations. Since the magic week of the seminar, where everything changed in my point of view, i've been thinking about Journalism and writing chronicles and writing in general.

So what did I do? I sent some E-mails to two local newspapers asking what kind of education or other requrements the papers actually put on their reporters and chroniclers (wonder if I just invented that word...). I have to give credit where it's due, and it's my new Job coach's fault (damn Karlstad's Office for stealing our Speschul-coach!), and she basically belittled the problem to the extent of nonexistance, that I just thought "Alright! I'll do it!" just to get the problem out of my hair.

I probably won't even get an answer, and if I do get one, it's probably gonna be short and far from sweet. But at least i sent them, right? The hooks are out, let's see what kind of fish bite.

I just remembered a little discussion during the seminar where I used the word "confounded". I meant it in the old fashioned way, even! Since I'm a swede, the word confound is just an easy way of saying just that. To me, that word isn't aged or antique. It's just a word in my second language.

The reason I remembered this was me using "belittling" above. It might be the new "confound".

Time for my last cup (pot?) of tea, and off to bed.

See you tomorrow, Mr. imaginary Reader.

First step

It's time.

Someone else has ruled the world poorly and and its time to grab a stick and poke him/her out of that seat.

In all seriousness, this blog was created with the intent to serve as a personal reflection on me getting out of unemployment and into employment.

The idea was suggested by some good friends, and i hade a good time during the last blog, so i thought "well, why not?". It'll at least serve as some grammar practice (which i hope will improve, poor as it is).

Now you might think "what previous blog is this nutcase talking about?". This one!

Basically everything about that blog is in there, but a summary might be in order:

The European Youth Unemployment Seminar 2010 was a seminar where eight nations gather to discuss successful techniques and stratergies to help unemployed young people get into their society's labour force. The blog is my report of what happened and how it affected me as a participant of Communicare, the host of this event, and as a participant in the presentations, group sessions and discussions.

What that one gave me is all in the blog. Have a read!

So what's this blog about then? its about my steps towards employment, and thoughts around it. I actually don't really care if anyone reads it because its sole purpose is for me to gather my thoughts and sort things out and above all make me worry less about the future.

Some of my friends would probably ask why i waste time on such a blog when that time can be better spent actually finding a job. That's probably gonna be a subject for a future post, no doubt. Other people ask questions that i have answers to, and where "no" is the answer it's usually accompanied with "why?". Yet another post subject.

I'm gonna let this one sit for a while. I'll get back to you, Mr. imaginary reader.